The Mindset for Success

Good emotional health and a positive mindset make success easier.

Mindset is the engine of success.

This entry is about more than just academics. It’s also about good mental health and supportive relationships—two things critical for fostering healthy children who become successful students.

As adults with children we care for, raise, teach, and support, we are prone to obsessing over academics and career paths. We apply a great deal of pressure, telling our kids and students that everything is riding on the next test, the next project, the next internship. The problem is that most kids have a concept of the future far more vague than we realize; and being pressured to perform for these vague goals is a great source of stress.

Now couple that stress with something even more stressful: social challenges at school, difficult family dynamics at home, and feelings of inadequacy and isolation.

It’s difficult to overstate the importance of mindset as we work hard to prepare our kids for a good future. However, a good mindset can only come from a healthy mind and a supportive family. What this translates into is the fact that the child’s mindset is not the only mindset that deserves attention.

As a teacher and a parent, I have had the pleasure and the responsibility of working with students of all ages and backgrounds. As mentioned in one of my videos, different aspects of a child’s personality may manifest when he or she is away from parents. They may become shy at school when they are usually outgoing at home; or they may be very boisterous at school instead of their usual subdued home-selves. Frequently, parents don’t see the other side of their kids that comes out when they are around friends—or rivals. This kind of personality adjustment based on environment is not necessarily negative! It is normal, and even we do it as adults.

The point is that as parents, we don’t always know our children as well as we think we do. It is immensely important to understand and be supportive of your children as they may not always be forthcoming about the issues that cause them stress—especially if we are one of those issues.

I recall listening to a podcast of a woman who was talking with a therapist about a trauma she experienced as a child. It was something that had made her feel vulnerable, emotionally unstable, and most importantly, afraid. When the therapist asked her who she told about the incident, she replied that she had told no one—not even her parents.

The therapist’s statement after that was direct and eye-opening: He acknowledged that the actual incident itself was a real and impactful trauma; but he said it was one that had exacerbated another real and significant trauma that commonly goes unrecognized. The fact that she did not feel safe enough or comfortable enough to tell her parents about something that had hurt her so deeply was the result of another attritional but undeniable trauma—one that had been going on for years before the incident she had spoken about. Why was it that she did not feel comfortable enough to turn for help to the people who were closest to her? What, in that child-parent dynamic, was missing?

The best environment in which to learn and grow is one in which you feel loved, safe, and supported. Absent those things, focusing on higher level learning is a nearly insurmountable challenge. Some people can overcome that challenge alone, but most will be overcome by it. As educators, we know this—trauma interferes with learning, and lack of security interferes with both learning and healing.

First things, FIRST. Some things are more important than academics and the college journey.

There are things to take care of before we start applying pressure on our kids for academic and career goals. Focusing on these things in the wrong order can be a recipe for disaster; so it’s important to know what’s going on in our children’s and teen’s lives. These are the hard questions with sometimes painful answers. Now, most likely, your children are blissfully unaware of trauma and its fallout. However, it’s important to be sure so that bad doesn’t become worst.

At school, church, or other organizations they attend, some kids and teens may be bullied or abused with no one to turn to, and their cries for help may be going unanswered. At home, they may feel that they have no one to talk to, that no one understands them, or that they are a burden. Parents, may overlook these things because they just can’t fathom that such things could be happening. Tragically, some parents even lose their children to this kind of oversight.

Even if there are fortunately no egregiously negative issues in a child’s life, having a strong and comfortable relationship with his or her parents will always make finding success in life an easier and more enjoyable endeavor.

I strongly, passionately encourage you to build a strong relationship of trust between yourself and your children. Repair the rifts and prove to them that it’s alright for them to come to you and tell you anything and everything. Give them the language and the peace they need to confide in you. Learn who they really are and what’s going on in their minds and lives!

You can open the doors to authentic discussion by sharing mistakes and judgement errors from your own childhood and teen years. That shows them that you acknowledge your own imperfections, so they can be at peace with theirs. Let them know that you’re working on improving and that you’re there to help them improve as well. When they confide, refrain from judging or criticizing. Save the criticism for another time. First, just listen. You’d be surprised at how much your connection to your children can grow and deepen.

Let them ask you what you think, or just give the advice later. Of course, you’ll give guidance and tell them how your experience might inform you to handle the situation differently; but also, never forget to give them clear reassurances that you love them no matter what—even if you don’t agree with what they have done and even if you are upset with them. Be sure they know that you are there to help them through any difficulties they may have.

Now, every child is different, and they will develop differently as they grow up. What applies to one family may not apply to another. I am sharing this information so that everyone is aware and has the opportunity consider what their children may need from a different perspective. How you apply this information is completely up to you.

My team and I are constantly filled with hope as we work hard to help everyone reach their potentials as students and as good human beings. Our job is to help kids become excellent students and gain entry to the best colleges and universities for them. Still, we know that there are priorities—and mental and emotional health must always come first.

Now then—if all those most important foundational things are taken care of, let’s start on the road to your young scholars’ dream schools!

Ryan-Sensei

I’m cheering for your success!